Love, Forgiveness, and Kindness

Each day, students in my classroom are peppered with what I call life lessons; ideas that I think about when trying to live a happier and more helpful life.  Some ideas are part of the greater whole, only recognized as such later. For example,"Grades are Private," is a common phrase in my class, but is part of the larger idea of, "Err in the direction of Kindness." (George Saunders' convocation speech.)

One of the clarifying exercises I hold in my mind is the following.

If I were to be asked to speak in a graduation ceremony, what would I say?  Would it be different for college students than for high school?  What would I want these young people -- of either category -- to carry away?  The best graduation speech I've ever heard was given by a writer for the Grateful Dead, John Perry Barlow. His "Just Say Yes" speech still rings in my ears for both his command of the language, his eloquence, and his singular message.  Oh, if I could ever have his working vocabulary, his calm confidence, his intelligence, and his creativity, then wouldn't that be wonderful!  As those of you who have had me in a class for any of the last six years knows, I ask you to read or listen to a graduation speech that gives another important message -- more on that later -- but graduation speeches are peoples' attempts to summarize what's important in some kind of meaningful way to others who are just entering the world.  I've listened in person to in excess of 50 graduation speeches -- no kidding -- and only a short handful stay with me.

In the middle of the night last night, I had a moment of clarity.  Of all the small tidbits I offer to my students about life "things,"  three run really clear to me as the most important of all the messages.  No one would be surprised to hear these come from me; I've said these things so often before in class, in hallways, on the path on the hill, and whenever I run into people.  But what's new is the clarity that these three are the most important.  These three hang together as the strongest of life lessons that I've ever wanted to impart to people I've seen in my classroom each day. 1. Love. 2. Forgive. 3. Be kind.  So here's my graduation speech that I'd give to people I've seen in my classroom. 

1. I love you. Unconditionally. I love who you are, how you think, your process of becoming.  I want to applaud your accomplishments, share in your griefs.  I want to help you become the people you want to become.  I want you to know I'm here for you.  It's so important to me that you know this.  Equally important is that you know I'm not the only one; I'm just your math teacher.  There are others who love you. I'm not sure most of you fully understand this, but sometimes, I get the idea that some people I've known in the classroom truly understand the depth of my affection for each of you.  A former student named Seren found me and called me over 20 years after she sat in my classroom.  "I need advice," she said.  "I don't have a partner or a partner prospect. I'm 39 years old and want to have a baby. What should I do? "  While flattered to receive this very personal call, I suggested she discuss this with, perhaps, her mom, or a sibling or a therapist. She then launched into a narrative about how she knew I always loved her, wanted the best for her, supported her in her decision making process, and that I would be unbiased. She wasn't sure all these things were the case for anyone else in her life.  I remember taking a deep breath when I realized that she truly understood why I go to school every day. She understood my love. (BTW, she has two beautiful children and is raising them successfully as a single parent. What a joy.) But again, I'm not the only one who loves Seren, just as I'm not the only one who loves you.  If you think about it a minute, I'm sure you can find others who love you. If you don't think you can, then find other people you know you love and let them know you love them.

2. You (and me and your friends and your parents and your younger siblings) are allowed to grow up, to change, and to become new people.  Indeed, let's hope we all do.  Being stagnant or frozen as a 12 year old or 15 year old or even as a 55 year old would not be a good thing. I often see teenagers write in yearbooks, "You're so sweet, don't ever change."  Yipes, really?  Being stuck in teenager-hood would not be the best for most folks.  The corollary: You (and me and your friends and your parents and your younger siblings) need to allow each other to grow up and to change, and to become new people. Many of you might remember my story about Mark.  Each time I tell the story, this young man's name changes; I've been trying to keep his identity anonymous. The story starts at a twenty-year high school reunion for Mark, as he is introducing me to his family. I re-print it below, for those readers who have not seen or heard this: 

 He stood in front of me with his well-coiffed wife and well-scrubbed pair of children: one boy, one girl.  All were smiling as they chatted with me, Mark's former math teacher at a boarding school.  The chit-chat was lovely all around, but could have gone astray when his wife said, "Please tell us some stories about Mark in high school."

I glanced at Mark, then did a double take.  He stepped back, letting his eyeballs protrude from their sockets, and shaking his head with a spasmotic "no."  I noted that my mouth was frozen in a vertical "O" shape, which I changed immediately into a smile with my head cocked to one side.

I'm good with platitudes and veiled references; she giggled when I said, "Times in the library were so fun, it was like a party." The reality: Mark had stolen a faculty member's keys, somehow acquired a keg and was host to a keg party in the library one Saturday night/Sunday morning.  Mark appeared relieved when I made it clear I would not reveal anything unsavory about his times as a teenager.  We all have moments in our past that embarrass us; we are allowed to grow up, to change, and to become better people. Indeed, let's hope we do; no one should be stuck as a 15-year-old for his whole life.

Regardless, the most dramatic story I could not reveal filled my consciousness.  But of course I'll reveal it here, in full.  I learned that I could take 14 students skiing at the local ski area and receive a free pass. This was a big deal; my monthly income was less than $600 per month; a ski pass was in excess of 10% of my monthly salary and thus considered unaffordable.   The only hitch in the "free pass" arrangement was that I was responsible for these youngsters, which sometimes meant a trip or two to the local ER.  During one ski trip, Mark was in my group of 14.  I had just made sure each teenager had his or her hat, ski pass, and skis, when I made my way to the slopes.  After one run and at 9:00 am, I got the message that someone was in the medical tent and needed me.  So I went.  And there was Mark, with a clearly broken arm and a smirk on his face.  On the way to the ER, I asked him how it happened.  "I was challenging myself," he said.  That's not always a bad thing, I thought.  He continued, "By going down a black diamond slope."  That's ok, I know Mark to be a good skiier.  "With my eyes closed." Something clicked in me: my skiing day was to be ruined by Mark skiing a black diamond with his eyes closed?  Then he continued: "Backwards."  

I had to dig deep to be compassionate in the Emergency Room.  When he was in the x-ray room, I fiddled with his ski poles and noted that the tops were kind of funny.  Then I saw they unscrewed and held a clear liquid that could have done a great job cleaning the bathroom floor.  Now we had another issue to which I needed to alert the medical staff.  The results of his next test determined that while his blood alcohol level was still below the legal driving level, but he was only 16 and not a legal drinker.  

So let's return to the scene where I'm standing with Mark and his lovely family.  The story revealed above flooded me as the prime example of his teenaged antics that I will not share with his well-coiffed wife and well-scrubbed children. Silently, to myself, I'm repeating the mantra, People are Allowed to Grow Up.  "So Mark," I begin.  "What do you do now?"

He clears his throat briefly and looks down, so I'm sure he's thinking of the same moment in his teenage history that I remember clearly, then says, "I'm a member of the clergy."

So it's always good to recognize that each of us is on our own journey of becoming.  We can chose to forgive and move forward and hope that others will do the same for us. So really, the second 

3.  Be kind.  To everyone.  Be excessively kind.  Be genuinely, honestly, clearly, thoroughly, glamorously, and intentionally kind.  Be kind at all times and without exceptions.  No one is ever sorry for being too kind.  Whether or not you actually remember, if you were in my class since about 2011, you made a commitment to being kind in your first blog post.  You read a convocation speech by George Saunders and responded. Maybe some of you wrote in an effort to "please the teacher," (yep, I know that happens in the first few days of class particularly), but you still each wrote about the importance of being kind.  If you're not an alum of my classroom and don't know this speech, it's worth listening to. The link given here,  Err in the Direction of Kindness, will direct you to my blog that introduced the speech and gives the citations to George Saunders' speech. Over many years, I copied and printed quotes from your posts and posted them around the classroom.  You all were so eloquent; I was impressed.  Let me share with you some of your comments:

Kindness is essential to our everyday lives. Being kind can help you make more friends. Isabelle Baca

 Kindness isn’t naïve. It takes real courage to be kind.  Lily Johnson

One day in the near future, we will all learn to respect and appreciate each other’s differences. Hopefully, one day in the near future, we will all learn to respect and appreciate each other’s differences and reconsider our actions and words toward other people from foreign parts of the world. We should learn to appreciate all walks of life and realize that every culture is unique and valuable to the human race. No one is superior to another person, we are all just, simply, different. Brigid Contreras- Ridlington

 Kindness is something so valuable (yet)it is an endless resource.  Anyone can act kind be to truly be kind is something entirely different.  Little things here and there are all you need to be kind. Alex Monka

Kindness…puts me and others in a better mood.  Destyn Gaffney

Doing kind things (even if it is ultimately selfish) is worth spending time doing.  Sophia Brito

 (Even a) simple encounter (can be) an act of kindness…and very significant. Sophie Edwards

 Kindness is shown to be an essential human trait.  Colleges like Harvard are now emphasizing kindness on their applications. There are many ways to be kind, but overall it requires treating others how you want to be treated and going behind that mantra. With a generalregard for others, and a little bit of selflessness, being kind is easy and can lead to great relationships and satisfaction in life.   Jodham Fine.

 “One act of kindness can change someone’s life, can change the world. That all it takes.” Courtney Moore, quoted by Jack Lambie

 Kindness is a basic human instinct like survival. Liam Lambie

Kindness is something that is very valuable to everybody. (There are) many ways to practice kindness including simple things such as a gentle smile, a compliment, writing a note, supporting a loved one, giving a hug and more. Zoe Calott-Wang

Just be kind to people and everything will be ok. Being kind isn't always easy to do, but it is the right thing to do. Nico Carson

 Helping a neighbor do something or holding the door for someone or even telling someone that they have a nice outfit can go a long way. Kindness is key for a healthy community. Waite Dawkins

 Making eye contact and smiling can boost someone’s happiness. Gavin Blevins

I believe everyone to have the capacity to truly exhibit the courage (of kindness). Deana Chefchis

 Every day we are faced with opportunities to help others.  If everyone erred in the direction of kindness the world would slowly begin to help itself.  Aidan McKinley

 It's always important to be kind. Aaron Parmeter

 Kindness is such a simple task. Yasmine Torres

No one has an excuse to be unkind because (kindness) benefits both parties. Cynthia Viets

All of kindness is good for everyone. Noah Vigil

Selflessness, tolerance, and empathy are the most important qualities (related to kindness) that I believe are vital in our society. Bridegette Watkins

If you have a positive outlook on life and are more kind, people will think better of you. Kiedis Connell

Kindness makes the world a better place. Lea Benevides

If  you  have  a choice   of  actions … choose  the kind-er  one.  Kaeli Kampschmidt

Kindness is caring about others, being aware of the things around you, and being loving. Hannah Topf

…people are inspired by kindness…Will Drescher

Kindness is such an important thing in today's world because we are shown a lot of news that is not supporting kindness. Aidan Burdge

Being kind to someone can easily change how they perceive themselves. Ethan Richardson 

Brushing over the opportunity to be kind to anyone is a failure. Adison Romano 

It's the unmade choices that are regretted the most.  We are blinded in the darkness, and when the opportunity to shine light comes, we mustn't hesitate to grab it by the arms and use it.  We must use our abilities to the fullest extent: it is needed now more than ever that we use our ability to edify and to make what is good become great.  Jacob Roberts-Baca

Nothing good ever happens in a situation unless you act upon what you feel is right.Life's too short to just do what everyone else does. Kirby Myers

Kindness is not solely an action, but rather a soulful assertion of the heart over the mind.  Jesse Sanchez

While a selfish lifestyle will only bite you in the tail, a life of kindness will be a gift that never stops giving. Michael Weber

Kindness can be one of the easiest things to achieve.Kindness brings us together and is a reminder that what unites us can be far greater than what divides us.  Stephen Chu

Being nice and accepting is so important because some people never realize how much of an impact words or an action could have on a single person. Daisy Canales 

Agape: unconditional love. This is the way we should treat others. Nathan Roberts

It is impossible for anyone to take the brightness that makes you tick from you. If we don’t respect ourselves enough to treat other people as human beings, then we are being less than human. Rachel Templeton

Kindness is never making someone feel poor about who they are or what they stand for.  Willa Wiese

A true sense of purpose can be obtained just by putting in a little more kindness into the world. Deana Chefchis

There are still wonderful hearted people that care for us and want us to be the best we can be, but of course while heading in the direction of kindness.  This makes me want to head in that direction as well. Joshua Guillen

Take a minute to look around from a new perspective, and you will realize something new each time. Ethan Klein 

A lack of kindness is still wrong and regrettable. Evie McIndoo

Kind actions can result in a happier, healthier society with a much stronger sense of community and positive relationships.The world today would be a much better place if it encompassed a culture of kindness. Lily Yatskowitz

I believe in being kind to everyone.  Alex Lee

 People can grow, change, and learn empathy and kindness. Sydney Bruner 

The key to happiness, the key to being that “someone,” is to be kind and accepting to everyone. Maxwell Dryfoos

 Kindness is one of the most important values and one of the easiest to implement. Siddhi Gardner 

Strangers may become your best friends. It is better to try to help or share some kindness than to regret it later. Gabby Nemer

Kindness, even in small acts, can change the world. Cynthia Viets

Everyone is looking for kindness, and I think if we had sympathy for others, everyone would be a little kinder in return. Riley Burns

If you manage to spread more kindness around yourself and your loved ones, then your life will be much better.     The more kindness you give, the more you will receive, thus making your life a massive ball of joy.The people you unconsciously avoid could have very interesting personalities and life stories. Diego Moore

Openness towards people who are different is one of the most valuable things a human can have. Marwa Chohan

 For those of you who do wonder what the first step towards being kind is, it's this: if you see that kid who looks a little different from the rest of the class, who wears the glasses that are just a bit too big, whose skin is a shade darker, or who has crushes on the same gender, accept them. Marwa Chohan

If I want to have a conversation with someone who thinks differently from me, then the best way to do it is in a calm and respectful manner, and make sure I’m listening. Sowang  Kundeling

Kindness can be shown in small acts; it does not take large actions to be kind.     Kai Seidenberg

 Kindness is something that should be practiced whenever possible. Lucas Anderson

The harm caused by bias in today’s world is immeasurable and the answer to healing is education and kindness. Maya Benavides

if everyone is nicer to people we meet then everyone is happier. Stephen Clem

I'd say that kindness is the single most human virtue there is. Marceline Corbin

Learning how to be kind to ourselves helps us to live more beautiful, truthful, and meaningful lives. Likewise, if we can learn to appreciate acts of kindness when they are presented to us, we will be able to better grasp the meaning of happiness and fulfilment. Kiera Friedman

Kindness is an act of helping people understand that they can be themselves, something that makes a person feel comfortable in their own skin, something that makes people light up and be joyful and happy. Gigi Galles

I think that everyone deserves kindness, and everyone should give kindness to others. Caroline Klein

 Being ignorant towards kindness and shallowness can be just as harmful as perpetuating the opposites. Sophia Liem

Kindness is vital to our society. Laurel Nash-Jarecky

Humans are very vulnerable. We are fleshy, weak, slow and clumsy. As a result, we have to look out for each other to survive. (Note: especially in a mosh pit.) Attacus Peknik

By doing simple acts of kindness it can become a habit, and that habit could lead you to do great things for someone and yourself. Tino Muneri

Do an act of kindness each and every day.     Grace Jorgensen

I need to take every opportunity that I can, no matter how small, to be the kindest and most encouraging person that I can be.  Matt McNaney

It doesn’t matter who you are, where you have come from, or what your backstory is. Everyone can be kind to one another. Even when things suck, you must have it in you to remain kind.Kindness comes from your actions, your body language, your views on life and your visions of the future. Teagun Glenn

The feeling you get when that light starts shining inside you is more than enough reason to be kind. Rebecca Torrez

And, perhaps my all-time favorite student quote: 

Luckily, I always keep kindness in my utility belt. Wyatt Blevins

So in your utility belts, keep the following three things: Love, Forgiveness, and Kindness.